


Five Times Miles Qualified for the Darwin Awards And One Time He Didn't

by Zoya1416



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Darwin Awards, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:12:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya1416/pseuds/Zoya1416
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Miles Qualified for the Darwin Awards And One Time He Didn't

1.WA. After the failure at the Military Academy—Miles reapplies with the same waivers and, this time, breaks his neck falling off the wall.

2.WA Epilogue. After the return from the Dendarii, Miles is reassigned to the Military Academy, and participates in the coolant gas emergency drill. He's creative in rotating the ship, and then: When he tries to reach the cut-off switch for the gas, the panel door on which he rests his weight gives way. He falls into the coolant gas, and doesn't recover his grasp. Because the gas has been concentrated in one end of the ship by his rotation maneuvers it's too thick for him, and he can't hold his breath. The instructor can't respond in a timely manner because Miles has tethered him to an oxygen tube in the other end of the ship. Dies of hypoxia before he can be rescued. (The fatacc during training causes the test to be modified, and the instructor is disciplined as he should be. Miles is still dead.) 

3.VG. Miles finishes the Academy but his insubordination problems cause him to be assigned to Lazkowski Base on Kyril Island. The night he challenges General Metzov, “Living or dead, through my mouth or yours—or theirs—I will testify,” Metzov is drunk enough to take this as a request, and shoots him with a nerve disruptor. General Metzov's fate after this may vary, but not Miles.'

4.BIA. Surviving everything else, Miles “Admiral Naismith” ends up in London short of cash. When the four Dendarii soldiers try to buy wine, the registrar rejects their credit chit. They escalate by taking the cashier hostage. Admiral Naismith suggests to the police constable that they “stun them all. God will recognize his own.” When he gets his little band of delinquents back outside, someone takes advantage of the moment to do just that. Even though it's a very light stun he falls down, dazed. He's seconds too late to get away from the wineshop before it explodes, killing him. (The hostage escapes in time by freeing herself and dashing out, thereby still leaving Miles up for the award because no innocent bystanders are killed.)

5.Mirror Dance—spoiled for choices, besides the Big D. 

a. Dies from hypothermia after he escaped from the Durona Clinic the third and most successful time—still in his pajamas. Rowan is distraught. 

b. Dropped on his head when escaping with Rowan and she _does_ obey his order to crash the lightflyer—with no skills. Rowan is distraught.

c. Rowan finally snaps after enduring four days of his torture, er, unceasing manic behavior and constant talking, and strangles him with her bare hands. 

Plus One: WA, again. 

When he flunks out of the Military Academy and Piotr dies, Aral mourns in the Traditional Vor Way—by getting royally drunk just once. But the alcohol triggers the small vessel disease left over from the soltoxin damage, decades earlier than expected, and he suffers a fatal heart attack three days later.

Miles is Count Vorkosigan before his anti-grav-crutched legs heal. Getting up to speed, he starts his Council of Counts role a decade early, enjoying it with all the vigor of a seventeen year old. (Or 20 year old, if he has to have old Falco Vorpatril hold his vote until then.) Political chaos threatens frequently because he pits one faction against another, enjoying it. Gregor sits him down for a talk, urging him not to break the Imperium, not threatening him at all, no, really, they haven't starved anybody in a long time, and afterward Count Vorkosigan is a dull dog. Or at least more muzzled.

After he's politically reined in, he trains his energy onto his personal life, and stalks, er, charms, Donna Vorrutyer when he's 21 and she's 27 going on fabulous (in between one marriage or another, per narrative causality). He proposes to her every other date. She dates him mostly out of following to see where the circus is going, but refuses to marry him because they would never suit. 

One day she's especially peeved with him (Probably over-exposed to his increasing manic behavior and constant talking) and snarls, “Miles-you-idiot, you'd be a lot happier with somebody like our gardener.” He jokingly says he'll be bored by the gardener/college student in five minutes. Then, to get Donna off his back, he invites the student to the Cafe Patisserie. (The decade-younger Ma Kosti is still cooking for her family at this time.)

Donna had put her foot down. “No, not the Vorbarr Sultana Tea Room, Miles-you-idiot. Lady Alys and Estelle go there. You'll scare her off.”

Miles isn't bored. He's fascinated by someone who's as intelligent and competent as Donna is, but who's much less intense, much more...soothing...in nature.

Miles tries to get the quiet gardener Ekaterin Vorvayne to do the landscape design at Vorkosigan House (aka date her, aka Civil Campaign.) Donna gets to the bottom of that _very ___quickly, and cuts off the horrible party so that it doesn't happen. And...things bloom from there.

**Author's Note:**

> Criteria for the Darwin Awards are:  
> 1.Inability to reproduce-- Nominee must be dead or rendered sterile.  
> 2.Excellence-- Astoundingly stupid judgment.  
> 3.Self-selection-- Cause of one's own demise.  
> 4.Maturity -- Capable of sound judgment, at least over the legal drinking age  
> 5.Veracity-- The event must be verified (which it has, by the author)


End file.
